I’m not shocking in a “Hey, Father Flanigan, did you hear the one about the lesbian, the prostitute and the pedophile?” sort of way. Well, okay, so I have been known to tell an off-color joke or two in the presence of clergy. But, in my defense, nuns hardly ever wear habits anymore! How was I supposed to know Sister Malone was a nun? I mean, I thought ‘Sister’ was an odd first name, but hey, if some Egyptian guy can name his kid ‘Facebook,’ who’s to say someone couldn’t name a child ‘Sister’ or ‘Brother’? And besides, Sister Malone was three sheets to the wind, shouting “Beer bong! Beer bong!” as she danced on top of the bar. So, I’m totally, almost 90%, at least 50% sure I won’t be going to hell for telling a dirty joke to a drunken nun.

But that’s straying off topic, and we really should get back to me and why I am so energetic, electrifying, overflowing with positive energy and above all else, shocking! How is it that I’m so shocking? You wonder. Okay, well, maybe you’re not actually wondering that. In fact, I’m fairly certain that you’re wondering why I think you might think this particular blog entry is of any interest whatsoever to you. You are probably in the midst of a deeply stretched yawn as you read this, and pondering what you should do about dinner. ‘Hmmm…Should I make hamburgers or meatballs?’ you wonder.

More than likely, if you’ve managed to read this far, your mind is reeling with questions such as, ‘What the hell is wrong with Liz? Why is she always writing about herself? Energetic, electrifying? Sheesh! Who the hell does she think she is, anyway? It’s always all about Liz. Liz, Liz, Liz, Liz, Liz … Oh, sure, occasionally, she’ll spice things up with a story about a bank-robbing grandma, or going on a date with a transsexual, or something kooky like that… But, really! What is all this crap about her being so shocking? And why should I care? And, how the hell does she know what I’m thinking right now, anyway? Damn, I forgot to buy pickles. Oh, well, I guess I’m making meatballs tonight. How does Liz know I forgot to buy pickles? She’s a friggin’ freak! That’s how she knows! Aw, heck, I probably shouldn’t be so judgmental. I mean, after all, it IS Liz’s blog I’m reading. And isn’t a blog short for web-log, which by nature should be all about the person who’s blogging, and not about streaming stories from other blogs about Charlie Sheen? Come to think of it, Charlie Sheen is a much bigger freak than Liz could ever be. At least Liz isn’t claiming to have a 10,000-year-old brain and the boogers of a 7-year-old, like Charlie Sheen did on that Piers Morgan show. So, I suppose I should just continue reading to find out why Liz thinks she is so shocking, even if she is a little weird, but much less weird than Charlie Sheen. Do I have any parmesan cheese for my meatballs?’

OK. I will stop reading your mind now, and get to explaining why I am shocking.

It all started about a month ago. It was a fairly mild and sporadic phenomenon at first. I really didn’t think much of it. I knew from previous experience that occasionally, walking across a carpet can cause a mild electrostatic ‘shock.’ I didn’t quite understand the science behind such occurrences. I remembered my elementary school, when the only carpeted room in the entire building was the library. My fellow classmates and I couldn’t wait for library hour to give each other jolting sparks, under the guise of actually being interested in books. As I recall, it would take three brisk laps around the ‘Babar the Elephant’ section to build up enough static electricity to zap one or more of the stuck-up girls congregating near the ‘Nancy Drew’ books.

I need to read your mind again to move this story further along, so please bear with me.

‘Why would Liz use elementary school as a reference for carpet shock? Doesn’t she have more recent experience to draw on?’ you wonder.

The answer is NO! While I was born and raised and currently live in New York, I have spent the previous 25 years or so living in Florida. Anyone who’s lived in Florida knows that as of about 1989, carpeting was officially banned in the entire state (except for hotels within a 10 mile radius of Disney World). Well, by officially, I mean not banned in any court of law, but definitely banned in the court of public opinion. Nobody has carpet anymore in Florida. Well, okay, maybe one or two octogenarians living in a condo on Miami Beach still have carpeting. But, believe me, I haven’t spent enough time with the likes of them to risk any transference of static electricity!

So, imagine my surprise when about a month ago, I began experiencing mild shocks after sitting in a corduroy-covered recliner and walking across the living room carpet, and into the kitchen to grab a beer from the fridge. When I touched the metal handle of the fridge, zap! As I mentioned earlier, it was mild, and sporadic at first. But it grew more and more intense. So intense that I considered whether God was trying to send me a message to stop drinking beer; a notion which I quickly rejected. With God, all things are possible. So, if God wanted me to stop drinking beer, he would open a winery next door — “Duh!” (to quote Charlie Sheen).

In the past week or so, the shocks have been occurring so frequently and with increasing pain, that I began to wonder if maybe I was a freakish anomaly amongst the human race. After all, I do have bona fide pointed ears, and could perhaps be a bona fide electrically charged, pointy eared mutant. I wondered; could I possibly be living the life of a character in a Stephen King novel? It got to a point when anytime I touched anything conductive, I created a spark, and felt a shock of noticeable discomfort. We’re not talkin’ elementary school library stuff anymore. This was serious.

Why was this problem only happening to me, and no one else in the house? What was causing this to happen? Could this situation continue to escalate to a point where I could possibly die from electrocution? And most importantly; if I died from static-electrocution, would insurance cover it?

I did what any other intelligent and reasonably minded person would do; I Googled it. ‘Why am I always getting shocked?’ I typed into the Google search bar. About 686,000 results came up, many explaining in detail the science behind my dilemma. Turns out, I was not alone. While I might like to think I was somehow special, and experiencing a strange, mind-boggling phenomenon worthy of at least one good conspiracy theory, it all turns out to be quite mundane.

The truth is; we live in a world where everything is made of atoms. Atoms have electrons (representing a negative charge) and protons (positive charge). The negative and positive charges usually balance-out, which keeps life, as we know it, flowing quite nicely. Static electricity occurs when the atomic charges within correlating objects redistribute, moving from one source to the other. When the objects separate, one item takes an excess of the positive charge and the other more of the negative charge. If the objects can conduct electricity, in most cases, the charges will settle into the material, recombine, and even out. But if the charges are separated faster than the material can absorb them, static electricity build ups, and causes a shock, or high voltage.

Nylon carpets, especially older ones, are common conduits for electrostatic shocks. As are thick rubber or plastic soled shoes. Dry air (usually caused by indoor heating in the winter) is also a contributing factor. So, there I was, walking around in a heated and dry house, on an old, nylon carpet, wearing boots with a thick rubber sole. Once I took the boots off, the shocking stopped. Completely.

Please allow me to read your mind once more.

You are now thinking; ‘What the…? Instead of making meatballs, I ordered a pizza, and read through this whole blog post, just hoping to find some evidence that Liz really is a freaky mutant from another planet. And all I got was a cheesy and questionable lesson in grade school physics! Damn. Where the hell is that pizza delivery dude, anyway?’

I guess you could say I approach cooking like I approach life. Driven by improvisation and instinct, I work with what I’ve got, no set-in-stone plan in mind. Thus, my life and my cooking are often blessed or cursed with inconsistencies. A bi-polar chef; I can achieve both disappointing lows and wonderfully exhilarating highs in the kitchen. Rarely is anything I cook simply mediocre. God forbid, I aim for and accomplish anything average!

That being said, there is no possible way I could write the recipe for the delicious turkey meatloaf I made last night. All I can tell you is that I spiced the meat with an unmeasured combination of chopped onion, minced garlic, oregano, marjoram, black pepper, salt, and the ingredients of a Simon and Garfunkel song.

I served the meatloaf with homemade brown gravy, mashed potatoes and a vegetable medley. It was a huge triumph. It was so yummy, there was much eagerness for a lunch-time reprisal of the meat today. If you’ve caught-on to how I roll in my apron, you’ll know that it would be against my nature to serve leftovers the same way as I served the original.

Enter the ‘Ain’t Yo’ Mama’s Meatloaf Sandwich.’ OMG! A spicy, sweet slice of pure heaven. I just had to document it for future reference. If you ever find yourself burdened with a few slices of leftover meatloaf, please try this recipe. You won’t be disappointed.

Here’s what you’ll use:
- Slice(s) of leftover meatloaf
- 2 pieces of bread (I used ordinary white bread)
- Monterey Pepper-Jack cheese (with jalapeno peppers)
- Your favorite B-B-Q sauce (I used a tangy sweet Memphis style sauce)
- 1 tblsp. olive oil (add some garlic and italian seasoning to the oil)

Here’s the gist of the technique:
- Brush the bread on both sides with the olive oil mixture
- Place bread on tray in toaster-oven and bake at low heat till lightly browned
- Cover one slice of bread with pepper jack cheese and continue to bake for approx. 1 min. to melt the cheese

Meanwhile;
- Spread B-B-Q sauce over one side of meatloaf slice and nuke for approx. 1 minute (or however long it takes for your microwave oven to heat a piece of meatloaf)
- Place heated meat (b-b-q sauce side up) on top of bread with melted cheese
- Place other piece of bread on top
- Press sandwich together with a spatula, and heat for another 15 seconds in the toaster-oven
- Flip sandwich and heat for another 15 seconds

- Give me a call, and invite me over for lunch

That’s it! Enjoy!

But, what if you’re on a tight budget, and looking for, shall we say, cheap thrills? As a proud Recessionista, if there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s maximizing fun at minimal expense. So, as a public service, I will now share some of my Shoestring Survival Tips to the Big Apple in a Blizzard:

DON’T ORDER ROOM SERVICE! As tempting as it is to stay-put in your cozy hotel room and order from the room service menu, take a look at the prices and the service charges. My hotel was charging $7.75 for one (yes, one) egg — plus a $3 service charge! That’s like, $11 – for ONE egg! You could buy 6 or 7 dozen eggs and feed 50 panhandlers breakfast for $11!

SCOPE-OUT A SUBWAY SANDWICH SHOP I was lucky to have a Subway Sandwich shop just two doors away from my hotel. In the midst of pelting sleet and thunder-snow, I was easily able to brave the elements, and get to a $5.00 footlong, which was a helluva lot better than that $11 egg! (Yes, even in the middle of NYC, you can still get a Subway $5.00 footlong — good to know.) Plus, they serve Seattle’s Best coffee and really cheap breakfast muffins, which is quite handy in a pinch.

CALL THE LETTERMAN SHOW After checking-in to my hotel, I took a walk (just before it started to snow). I saw that the Ed Sullivan Theater / David Letterman Show was just around the block. That night, while hunkered-down in my hotel room, I watched Letterman as he joked about the impending storm, and I was struck with a brilliant idea. Maybe, since we were about to be hit with estimates of a foot of snow or more, a lot of the people who had tickets to the next day’s taping wouldn’t show-up, and I could get in on stand-by. I figured since I was able to dance 8 hours a day, 6 days a week, for 6 straight weeks in freezing temperatures while ringing a bell for the Salvation Army, I could easily manage to walk a block or two, blizzard or not, to see the Letterman Show!

So, I went onto the Letterman Show’s website, and got the skinny on how to get free stand-by tickets on the day of the show. You just phone 212-247-6497 starting at 11:00 am (the show tapes Monday through Thursday), and answer a trivia question (which is supposedly easy). The next morning, I phoned and got a recorded message stating the show was “on hiatus” till Monday, Jan. 31st. ‘Hiatus, my ass!’ I thought. ‘They took a snow day!’ Yup, somewhere between 5 pm on Wednesday (which is when they tape that evening’s show) and 11:35 pm (which is when they air the show), they decided to cancel Thursday’s taping and go with a rerun of Hoffman and DeNiro. They probably figured (as I did) that the studio audience would be scant in a blizzard. But did they even bother to consider that maybe, just maybe, there was a woman in a hotel room just a block away, celebrating her 50th birthday alone (because her friends were too wimpy to walk through a couple of lousy slush puddles to visit her), who would TOTALLY show-up and TOTALLY cheer like a banshee, even if the guest was someone sorta lame? Wusses! You’re all wusses!

TAKE A WALK THROUGH CENTRAL PARK It’s one of the few places in New York that still doesn’t charge admission. And no matter what time of year, or what kind of weather, you are guaranteed to witness a non-stop parade of colorful characters, not to mention whimsical sights such as a horny snowman (see my other post Walking in a Winter Wonderland).

DO YOUR HOMEWORK AND FIND A GOOD PRIX FIXE MENU I found a deal at a really nice Indian restaurant in Hell’s Kitchen – $19.95 for appetizer, bread, chutney, and wide choice of entrees, including rice. Awesome! Don’t be intimidated if you don’t know how to pronounce ‘prix fixe’, you can always call it a fixed-price menu (it’s pronounced ‘pree-fix or pree-feeks,’ btw, but I recommend you try calling it a ‘prick’s fix’ – just to see what you might get – hey, you never know in NY).

PUT THOSE PESKY PANHANDLERS IN THEIR PLACE Okay, no one cares more about helping the needy than I do. But these days, panhandlers are everywhere in NY. I literally had 4 people hit-me-up for money within one minute on a 50 foot stretch in front of the Carnegie Deli. You simply can’t help ALL the people who ask you for money. And, you need to consider whether or not your donation is really helping them to live a productive life, or enabling them to drink more cheap whiskey. In the case of the latter, I suggest you save your money for your own cheap swill. If you have any leftovers from your ‘Pricks Fix,’ get it wrapped to go, and hand it to the first panhandler you see on the way back to your hotel. If they don’t accept it, they’re not that desperate. I also like to check-out their shoes and their coat. If they’re better dressed than I am, I’ll simply point to my thrift shop coat, and ask them for money. They never give me any, but a homeless man did once give me some candy — oh, wait! Maybe he wasn’t really homeless — I just assumed he was because he wasn’t wearing any pants under his trench coat.

TAKE A TOUR OF CARNEGIE HALL Okay, so this is gonna set you back some bucks. $10 whole dollars to be exact. But, it is so worth it! Especially if you luck-out and get in a small tour group of just 7, and among your group is a very nice lady who virtually discovered a couple of musicians in San Miguel, Mexico playing Latin or Gyspy Jazz. She told her neighbor, Doc Severinsen about these guys. Severinsen was so blown away, he came out of retirement to tour with his new latin quintet called the San Miguel 5. It JUST so happened that while our little group was touring the stage area (in front; we weren’t allowed on or backstage), the musicians (this lady’s friends) came onstage to do pre-show sound checks. Our tour-guide was cool enough to let us enjoy the intimate sneak-preview for a while. It was great! And let me tell you something, ladies, these guys are goood loookin’, too! Front row seats to a professional sound-check at Carnegie Hall? Not too shabby, for a skinflint!

Nevertheless, as yet another one of my Forty-errrrrrth Birthdays was approaching, I was really having a hard time deciding what to do about it. I had accumulated some frequent-flier miles, and seriously thought about using them to go to Haiti as a relief worker. In light of the current turmoil in Haiti, and the risks of going there, my closest friends implored me to abandon that scheme (or at least prolong it).

Instead of spending my frequent-flier miles (it was use ‘em or lose ‘em) on a missionary trip to Haiti, or on my other option of a beach scenario in Mexico with a guy 1/2 my age — like, I have bucks for a boy-toy?; after considering the options of going to Alaska — yeah, cool, but NOW what do I do once I get there? Go hunting with Sarah Palin? Of course, Florida was out of the question; too many family members who would feel obliged to throw me a 50th party, when the LAST thing I wanted to do is be sitting in a room full of people all focused on ME turning 50! How depressing!!!

I learned that I could use my miles for a hotel stay in NY, and that’s just what I did. After realizing how much I love NYC, and how little time I’ve actually spent in the ‘city’ since I’ve been here in NY (just a 20 min. train ride away from Manhattan), I booked a hotel, midtown for a couple of nights on my birthday. The plan was to quietly meet up with as many of my friends in the city as possible, go to museums, galleries, restaurants, whatever and cry alone in my hotel room — weather permitting!

Well, the weather permitted me to get to my mid-town hotel before the blizzard hit… and it was there that I spent my first night alone, in ‘blizzard conditions.’ Truthfully, I spent my entire ‘Big Birthday’ celebration alone. Not one of my friends made an effort to see me while I was in N.Y. I can’t blame them; the weather was horrible. And, I guess I also have to admit that I’m probably just not very popular or likable. The only part of my plan that actually came to fruition was crying in my hotel room alone.

But, you know what? I still had a GREAT time! The wonderful thing about New York City is that even when you’re alone; you’re never alone. Or, you don’t HAVE to feel alone. There are just too many opportunities to meet nice people!

I met a lot of nice people while walking through Central Park, I met nice people at my hotel, I met nice people when I had dinner at an Indian restaurant in Hell’s kitchen, and when I toured Carnegie Hall. There were nice people to laugh with while we were slipping and sliding our way through slush on the corners.

So, I spent my “Forty-errrrrrth” birthday, celebrating with nice people who had no idea who the hell I was, or how old I was, neither did they care. And, that was — actually, pretty cool.

Oh, the slush we endured...

New House Intelligence Committee Chair introduces another year extension to expiring provisions of the USA PATRIOT ACT.

Thomas JEFFERSON a great President and a great human being……he certainly led a productive life with enough accomplishments for several lifetimes….

Thomas Jefferson was a very remarkable man who started learning very early in life and never stopped.

(Note: a chronological history of Jefferson’s vast accomplishments had been included in the original email here.)

Thomas Jefferson knew because he himself studied the previous failed attempts at government. He understood actual history, the nature of God, his laws and the nature of man. That happens to be way more than what most understand today. Jefferson really knew his stuff. A voice from the past to lead us in the future:

“When we get piled upon one another in large cities, as in Europe, we shall become as corrupt as Europe.” – Thomas Jefferson

“The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who would not.” – Thomas Jefferson

“It is incumbent on every generation to pay its own debts as it goes. A principle which if acted on would save one-half the wars of the world.” – Thomas Jefferson

“I predict future happiness for Americans if they can prevent the government from wasting the labors of the people under the pretense of taking care of them.” – Thomas Jefferson

“My reading of history convinces me that most bad government results from too much government.” – Thomas Jefferson

“No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms.” – Thomas Jefferson

“The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government.” – Thomas Jefferson

“The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants.” – Thomas Jefferson

“To compel a man to subsidize with his taxes the propagation of ideas which he disbelieves and abhors is sinful and tyrannical.” – Thomas Jefferson

Thomas Jefferson said in 1802:
“I believe that banking institutions are more dangerous to our liberties than standing armies. If the American people ever allow private banks to control the issue of their currency, first by inflation, then by deflation, the banks and corporations that will grow up around the banks will deprive The people of all property – until their children wake-up homeless on the continent their fathers conquered.”

Here are some other quotes by Thomas Jefferson I’ve added for our consideration:

“Nothing is unchangeable but the inherent and unalienable rights of man.” – Thomas Jefferson

“Our country is now taking so steady a course as to show by what road it will pass to destruction, to wit: by consolidation of power first, and then corruption, its necessary consequence.” – Thomas Jefferson

“No government ought to be without censors; and where the press is free no one ever will.” – Thomas Jefferson

“A coward is much more exposed to quarrels than a man of spirit.” – Thomas Jefferson

“I never will, by any word or act, bow to the shrine of intolerance or admit a right of inquiry into the religious opinions of others.” – Thomas Jefferson

“Every government degenerates when trusted to the rulers of the people alone. The people themselves are its only safe depositories.” – Thomas Jefferson

“Experience demands that man is the only animal which devours his own kind, for I can apply no milder term to the general prey of the rich on the poor.” – Thomas Jefferson

“Experience hath shewn, that even under the best forms of government those entrusted with power have, in time, and by slow operations, perverted it into tyranny.” – Thomas Jefferson

“I hope we shall crush in its birth the aristocracy of our monied corporations which dare already to challenge our government to a trial by strength, and bid defiance to the laws of our country.” – Thomas Jefferson

“I hope our wisdom will grow with our power, and teach us, that the less we use our power the greater it will be.” – Thomas Jefferson

“Conquest is not in our principles. It is inconsistent with our government.” – Thomas Jefferson

“If God is just, I tremble for my country.” – Thomas Jefferson

“If there is one principle more deeply rooted in the mind of every American, it is that we should have nothing to do with conquest.” – Thomas Jefferson

“It does me no injury for my neighbor to say there are twenty gods or no God.” – Thomas Jefferson

“Question with boldness even the existence of a God; because, if there be one, he must more approve of the homage of reason, than that of blind-folded fear.” – Thomas Jefferson

“It is more dangerous that even a guilty person should be punished without the forms of law than that he should escape.” – Thomas Jefferson

OK, so go ahead and laugh at my goofy Bell Ringer act. I’m glad I didn’t see this video until after the 6 week long kettle gig was up. It might have made me too self-conscious to fully embrace my inner dork! No wonder why people kept telling me I was a brave soul. Apparently, it had nothing to do with the freezing temperatures I was enduring for 8 hours a day, and everything to do with making a public jack-ass of myself — for a great cause.

Not to ring my own bell, or anything, but before you laugh too much, please note that I received the ’1st Place Bell Ringer Award’ this season from my local SA Corps for raising the most donations. And, despite the fact that I’m not too keen on collecting this sort of ‘thing,’ I have a lucite award which could also double as a paper weight (or something to squash crawling insects with) to prove it! So there!

My lovely lucite spider squisher ... what else am I gonna do with it? Donate it to the Salvation Army?

P.S. Cayenne pepper sprinkled in the socks really does help to keep your feet warm!