Archive for August, 2008

Looking For Love In All The Wrong Myspaces

Friday, August 15th, 2008

by Liz von Achen

We were supposed to meet for the very first time at 7 pm, in front of the Hard Rock Restaurant at the Hard Rock Hotel & Casino. I had an inkling that this guy may be a no-show, which is why I suggested this particular venue. I had my weekly $5 free play to drop in a machine, and 500 free player points added to my players account just for showing up. So I figured if I got stood-up, no big deal. I’d still have some other reason to be there, and something fun to do, which was a much better scenario than standing alone outside a Cheesecake Factory.

It was 6:45, and I was just entering the Hard Rock parking garage when I received his hastily composed text message. “cant mak it sorry.” I just laughed. “Coward,” I thought. “Couldn’t even phone.” Anyway, I went into the casino as planned, threw my free play in a lousy dollar machine, got my free points, and left.

When I got back home, I noticed the guy’s profile had completely disappeared from myspace. Poof. Gone. All the cutesy little comments he left on my page were completely gone, as well. Very strange. I tried phoning him, no answer. So strange. What the hell happened to him?

Of course, a series of vignettes begin to play in my mind. Maybe he was Baker-acted, carted off in a straight jacket, and his profile was deleted by order of court. Maybe he lied on his profile, and he’s actually 11 inches shorter than the 5′ 7″ he claimed, which, if I were in heels, would then put his eyes somewhere in the vicinity of my belly button. Yes, that’s it! He’s too intimidated to show-up and admit he lied about his height. Or, maybe he’s an international spy, called to suddenly go deep undercover in Prague to infiltrate a dangerous cell of terrorists… midget terrorists!

OR, maybe he’s actually married. Hmmmm. Yes, that seems the most feasible explanation for this bizarre behavior. He’s married, and his wife clues-in to his little plot to stray (or comes close to it). Uh-huh, I can see it now, wife comes home early, catches him wearing a clean shirt and reeking of the Brut cologne she gave him for Christmas. “Going somewhere?” she asks. He’s trapped. “Errrr, ugh, errrr…. ” He stutters for a while while racking his brain for a quick save. “Ummm… yeah, I’m going bowling with the guys.” (Hint: If he says “with the guys,” he means exactly the opposite.) Wife still has some doubts. She’s confused about the cologne. He explains, “Oh, errrr, ugh, errrr …. I just didn’t want to bother taking a shower, and I stunk pretty bad, so I just put some cologne on.” Knowing what a slob her husband is, she completely accepts this explanation.

‘Heh, heh… smooooooth… very smooooooooth. I’m the MASTER,’ he thinks to himself. Wife then calls out from the other room… “Honey, if it’s okay with you, while you’re bowling, I think I’ll go down to the Hard Rock Casino to play some slots.”

‘CRAP!!!’ He frantically sends a text message my way, then runs to make a quick deletion of his myspace profile, and all traces of his account. Yup. I am CERTAIN that must be EXACTLY what happened. I’m thinking now he probably didn’t even use his real name in his profile. Hmmmm. Yes, now that I really think about it, I’m sure his name probably isn’t actually “Mr. Wiggly.”

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