Archive for August, 2009

The 3-Way

Monday, August 17th, 2009

by Liz von Achen

Last week, I went to fetch my mail at the UPS store. I got out of my car, and walked towards the store. A young man was standing in front. As I approached, he was looking right at me, checking me-out. As I neared, I saw he was now looking right into my eyes. My “runner” mentality tells me that when someone looks into your eyes, you should acknowledge them, and nod or say hello. Those who avert eye contact just want to be left alone. So, in this case, I met his gaze, smiled, and said hello as I got closer. We were still engaged in direct eye contact when he asked, “So, do you want to do a 3-way transition with me?”

I was like; “Huh?” A slew of thoughts ran through my mind, such as; “Did this guy just ask me to do a 3-some? Is a ’3-way transition’ some new sex term I don’t know about? Does it involve my body being somehow hoisted or contorted in an unnatural position?”

I only had a split second to react, and in hindsight, I wish I could have come up with something clever such as, “Can we have a few drinks first to see if we click?” But, the best response I could come up with on such short notice was;

“EX-CUUUSE ME?”

He then pointed to a little piece of plastic attached to his left ear and said; “I’m on the phone.”

© 2009 Liz von achen All rights reserved.

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My Imaginary Pool Party

Saturday, August 15th, 2009

When I was a child, Nikki and Debbie, the girls who lived across the street from me, had a pony, and a built-in-swimming pool, and birthdays in the summer. I would be invited to their parties, and I would leave thinking; “Oh, if ONLY I could have a pool party, too!”

My birthday’s in January, which – considering I grew up in New York – pretty much meant I couldn’t have a pool party.

So, I did the next best thing. I planned an imaginary pool party. I took a shoe box, and filled it with my imaginary pool party plans. I set a date and time, and made lots of lists… A menu of what I would serve, games that we would play, prizes that I would give out… I even designed invitations, and made an imaginary guest list.

It was like a little fantasy game I was playing to keep myself amused. I would go to school, and while in class, I would think of a new idea for my imaginary party, and I just couldn’t wait to run home and write it down on one of my lists.

One day, my older brother was snooping around in my room, and he found my imaginary party planning box. He thought it was real, and went running to my mother. “How come Betty Anne gets to have a pool party, and I don’t? And, her birthday isn’t even in the summer!”

My mother was quite alarmed, and after looking through my box, and seeing my guest list, she called me into her room. “Now, Betty Anne…” she said, holding my guest list in her hand, “Did you REALLY invite these people to our house for a pool party?” she asked.

“No, Mom,” I answered. “I was just pretending.”

“Well, okay,” she said “Because we just can’t be having these people over for a party like this!”

I left my mother’s room thinking, “Sheesh! She must be REALLY dumb, because ANYONE would know that Donny Osmond and David Cassidy would NEVER show up at OUR house for a pool party!”

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