Adopt a Kookie Aunt for the Holidays!

With Thanksgiving just two days away, I’m convinced I’m either going to have the best Thanksgiving ever, or quite possibly the worst.  I guess it will be up to me to decide.

Foreshadowing gloom is the fact that I’ve agreed to work my part-time job at the deli till 4 p.m., which pretty much excludes me from driving over 2 hours south to mooch a meal off friends or family on Long Island.  I mean, really!  Who eats Thanksgiving dinner at 7 p.m.?

While I might make it in time for the customary ’2nd Round’ Turkey Sandwich Leftover event, it would hardly seem worth the effort, as I would then have to drive back home just a few hours later, to make it in time for work on Friday.  And who wants to drive for more than 2 hours on a stomach full of tryptophan?  Everyone knows that stuff makes you drowsy!

I’ve considered other options such as volunteering at the local Food Bank, but I was told by my friend at the local Food Bank that they didn’t need any more volunteers.  They had an over-abundance of do-gooders for the holiday.  Apparently, Thanksgiving Day is the most popular day of the year for people (i.e. politicians) to volunteer at the Food Bank, and it’s all about who-you-know in order to get-in … as a volunteer.

So, then I thought; if the Food Bank didn’t need me as a volunteer, maybe I should just show-up as a hungry, needy guest… Maybe all those ‘extra important who-you-know volunteers’ would appreciate an extra mouth to feed, and I could be of some service in that way.

Then, I thought about all the people in the area who have a legitimate need for a hot meal on Thanksgiving Day, and I realized how morally reprehensible it would be for me to pretend to be financially needy of a meal, when I’m really only emotionally needy, and afraid of being alone on such a big family oriented day.

That’s when another option I had been kicking around in my feeble little mind set-in …

What if I offered myself up-for-adoption on Craig’s List?  Why not?  I’m thinking it might actually work!  My ad could say something like; ‘Kookie Sitcom Aunt-type Seeks Adoption from Big, Dysfunctional Family for the holidays, and other special occasions.’

I would then promise to show-up at all events wearing an eclectic get-up, perhaps even a Mumu (which I think is the standard attire for most Kookie Situation Comedy Aunts), and I would prepare a series of fascinating stories to tell of my mad-cap adventures abroad.

What family wouldn’t want a ‘Kookie Sitcom Aunt’ to breeze in and out of their lives on holidays and special occasions?  I would even bring some sort of oddly conceived dessert to all occasions, which would make the children cringe and the adults feel superior. Yeah, I’m thinking Indonesian Fruit Cake…

Yes, being adopted by a large dysfunctional family (preferably of Irish decent, because they seem to have the most interesting drama on the holidays, or an Italian family, because let’s face it; they have the best food) seems quite plausible.

But with Thanksgiving just 2 days away, would my target adoptive family have enough time to do a thorough background check on me? Which, of course, I would highly recommend.  I mean, you don’t just invite a kookie adopted aunt to your Thanksgiving dinner table without some reconnaissance, do you?

Maybe I’ll have to resort to Plan B.  Plan B is to roast a small chicken (or possibly a Cornish Hen) for myself  – throw some canned gravy on some mashed potatoes, guzzle a bottle of chardonnay and make drunken ‘I LOVE YOU’ calls to everyone on my contact list.  But then again, that would be so old hat, because I’m pretty sure that’s exactly what I did the past two Thanksgivings. And, honestly? It really wasn’t all that much fun… especially on the morning after.

So, I’m thinking now that I’ll just have to wing-it this year (no pun intended).  I’ll leave work at 4 p.m., and let whatever spur-of-the-moment inspiration I might have move me to some course of action.  Or, no course of action at all.

One thing will be for sure; On Thanksgiving Day, I’ll be thankful for all the people in my life who still manage to love me, despite my obvious flaws.

Happy Thanksgiving to All My Family and Friends!  I truly love ‘You’s Guys!’


Comments are closed.